What We Have
by ariadne-chan
Summary: Sometimes, your nearness takes my breath away. And all that I wanted to say can find no voice. In silence, I can only hope, my eyes...will speak my heart. A collection of drabbles and one-shots.
1. What We Have

It seems unusual to communicate without a single word said…

It seems quite uncanny to know what the other feels just by listening to each other's melody…

It seems pretty weird to stare at each other's souls without looking at each other's eyes…

And through this we realized that what we have is more than just holding steady hands, throwing warm embraces, declaring seemingly unbreakable promises, giving sweet, nonsensical remarks…

And you may not know where to go…

I may not know where to take you…

But every time I feel the weight of your head upon my shoulder, every time I hear you play our song…Every time I feel the warmth of your breath through my ears…I know the destination will never matter…

For we would both give our lives just to stay through the journey…

And one of us might leave; one of us might fade into the mist of doubt…or even say the evils of goodbye…

But please remember, that whatever happens…

I am forever changed…because of who you are…and because of what you mean to me…

---

**Inspired in part by my cousin's journal entry. I asked for permission! ^-^ In case you're wondering, it's Len's POV. ^-^**


	2. Stay With Me

_'Stay with me, Len.'_

She walked with neither grace nor with a trace of poise; she would purposely stride across the room without a qualm, without a second glance; without a tinge of inhibition. She would look at her reflection again and again as she held her violin, smiling meekly as she looked back to see the expression I had carefully arranged on my face. She is someone who could make me crack a smile even the faintest and almost indistinct one. She has given me a lot of memories. Most are good, happy and fulfilling while some are sad, challenging ones which I'd be willing to go through again if it means having her for the rest of my life. I used to be skeptic about happy endings. As nothing ever happens by chance. I used to believe that my existence is already justified by my violin and the ideal career that I wanted to pursue. I strived for a glassless ceiling for myself so I can rise above my field--a cut above the rest. I used to spend most of the time practicing and working on scores only on my own. I used to find solitude alone in a room; I have the perfect temperament in doing so.

But something happened. Kahoko happened. And now I know my used-to-be's will never be the same again.

_'Stay with me, Len.'_

Isn't it nice to hear when someone asks you to stay with them? Because sometimes, it's never wrong to admit you need someone to be happy.

---

**inspired by some random quote. i dunno, i've read the reviews and so i'm moving on with the 200-word drabbles. tehehe. thank you, jiru-senpai! emjhey (09174087619 hahaha! hoo, special mention!) saiunkokulover and pathetic rainbow. hugs! make my day. ^-^**


	3. If We Stay

Many people tend not to speak up when something bothers them, thinking that it is trivial to mention it. Unfortunately, what happens is after repeated times of not speaking up, some small occurrence happens and it ends up being the straw that broke the camel's back. The other person, more often than not, has no clue what they are upset about and therefore they are over-reacting.

I feel like this is the story of our relationship.

It was caused by so many things. My insecurities, my lack of self-worth, the selfish want to be the only one that makes you smile and toss a sparkle across your eye. I know the blame is mostly mine.

I'm sorry for not taking the time to be patient with you. I lose myself with practices that I sometimes fail to sit and listen and understand how you feel. I'm sorry for heating you down so often. If anyone shows a lack of trust and respect in this relationship, I suppose it is I. If you could ever forgive me it would not go unappreciated. If not, it will not go misunderstood. I might not be able to express these emotions well, but I never want to have us turn and go away…We might feel better if we stay…

---

**hwahaha! cheesy much? ^-^  
**


	4. I'm In Love But You Don't Care

Being with him is always a load of mind-games and the over-analysis of things.

Sometimes, I think he's slowly letting me in on his life, his secrets, his thoughts and even the most 'senseless' things he has to say. But predictable he is, he'll shut me off. Not the tactless, rude, sudden 'let's-not-talk-about-it-anymore' type of brush off but the polite, subtle kind which makes it hard for me to be outraged and frustrated.

There is such a thing as personal space anyway. I dare not probe and poke and prod or whatever. So I respect his privacy. But aaaarrrgghh. Why can't I just probe and poke and prod or whatever?

_I'm in love but you don't care. _Maybe he does care. But not enough. Maybe he finds me wonderful and fun and nice. But not enough. It's not enough for him to let down his guard; to take a step closer. And knowing with all that was said, that nothing is enough, I find in that enough reason to slowly let go.

_I'm in love but you don't care. _Maybe someday, when I'm not too tired of waiting, you'll get back to me sans those walls of yours.

---

**inspired by pathetic rainbow; i felt angsty all of a sudden. hahaha! not really angsty, eh heh heh. yo, emjhey. post your story up already! ^-^**

Now your world is way too fast  
Nothin's real and nothing lasts  
And I'm aware  
_I'm in love but you don't care._

-goo goo dolls


	5. That One Night

I paused to listen as the final note of the piece hovered and echoed and faltered in the wind.

_Ave Maria._

How I came to love nights like this—I don't know. Caught between darkness and light; hovering endlessly on the brink of secret magic. The luminescent glow settled upon everything like some boundless shining blanket.

Everything's just like that one night at the Training Camp.

_Kahoko._

Except that this night isn't exactly like the one at the Camp. Tonight, I see her in a different light. Tonight, I am not going to turn away. I took one step as realization struck me hard in head.

I could actually fall for someone in the most infinite, absolute and frighteningly final way.

"I love you."

She smiled and darted forward to take my hand. We turn to stare at the same moon that kept us company during that one night.

Funny how we at times sit in one corner alone, appreciating life as it passes through our eyes. Then suddenly, someone surprises us, shares that corner until it becomes the world.

---

**hoo! i remember i had something to write about but i've been putting it off for so long that i forgot what it was about. hahaha. well, never mind. as you've probably noticed, chapter's inspired by the ave maria duet at the training camp. ja ne! ^-^**


	6. One Thousand Words

it's way past my bedtime and i'm downing way too much coffee. ugh. anyway, i was reading ate m's blog and so i thought, perhaps a little unorthodox thinking won't hurt. so here's another chapter, 'unorthodox' Len's POV. ^-^

recommended: 1000 words from Final Fantasy X2 (gah, you MUST listen to this!)

Links: English: http: // www. you tube. com /watch?v=4poJJu-ZH-0&feature=related

Japanese (orchestra version): http: // www. you tube. com /watch?v=2et_V5lnBW4&feature=related

**Let's go back to Chapter 59, shall we? ^-^**

---

If tomorrow decided it needed a break…

Perhaps to rest, to go on some cruise, or forever go into hiding…

For whatever reason, for whatever purpose, tomorrow just isn't happening…

With that, I guess with this one last day I'd try to make things right and do the things I would have wanted to do…

…Id' say all my sorries to everyone I've never meant to hurt…

…I'd play all the pieces that have helped me become the violinist that I am now…

…I'd thank millions of people who allowed me to let out a sigh and know how great it is to live…

And perhaps…perhaps I'd even eat burgers and drink sodas with Tsuchiura and Hihara-senpai.

And maybe…

I'd go find her.

Perhaps? Maybe? Possibly?

Funny, how at the point where I recognize my mortality, I still have some doubts when it comes to the matters of the soul or the heart or whatever part of me that feels.

_ She's like tiny bits and pieces of memory, scattered in spans of nanoseconds._

_ So miniscule that sometimes I wonder if she's real._

I am still and most probably still be incapable of dissecting emotion and with that fact she has to live with.

I'd tell her of the slight hitch in my chest which persisted even as I tossed and turned in bed for a number of nights in a row…

That I nonetheless blush at the slightest touch and that yes, my palms get all clammy…

…and I still stumble all over myself like some blathering buffoon.

If tomorrow was a no-show, I'd go that extra mile and stand in front and hold her tight and tell her everything I feel until I have not even a semblance of pride left.

I'd tell her I love her, with the 'I' because I've learned how one letter could bring so much emotion, so much depth, meaning and genuineness to three words often said.

…

With a few minutes remaining…

I'd take her hand as we stand on the rooftop and feel the wind and the motion and uncertainty of it all…and embrace whatever's to come unconditionally.

Perhaps I'd ask her to play a piece with me.

And then I could say I lived life without regrets.

But…

Tomorrow WILL come.

And so I replaced the latch that secured my violin in its case. I took one long, sweeping look of the practice room that had been my second home for the last two years.

And she stood quietly on the doorway.

I almost wished I didn't have to leave.

"Goodbye."

That not being the teary-eyed, melodramatic, slow-motion kind of farewell. It's the kind of goodbye that leaves the person light-hearted and serene, with the confidence that goodbyes aren't always words of finality.

"Take care of yourself; will you, Tsukimori-kun? Will you write me letters?"

"…"

"Tsukimori-kun?"

"Hn."

"Come back."

At the end of the day, one thousand words have never been spoken.

"I will."

And, just as quietly as she had come, she left the room.

…

I wiped the smile off my face and heaved a sigh. Silence can be most comforting.

---

**how was it? weird? totally out of character? i don't care, really. i'm happy just to write. hey, it's longer than usual, annalisemarie. ^-^** **and so that's it for chapter six. 1000 words/ 1000 no kotoba was sung by yuna lesca/ koda kumi.**


	7. Untitled

**recommended: to zanarkand from final fantasy x-2**

http: // www. you tube. com /watch?v=08RYp-uDpPo

---

From the car window I could make out the conifers, green among the sleeping nudes, but my eyes stared past the white earth—an old bed with fresh sheets.

I clutched at my passport unnecessarily.

Obstacles and dead-ends that I never foresaw—I bumped into them into one swift motion. How frustrating. I wanted to take a U-turn and wished real hard that I never got to know her. A clean sheet, please?

I hold on to my principles too strongly that I fail to see that it's possible to have two angles at the same side of the coin. I'm awfully stubborn, too. I must admit—being stubborn and proud isn't exactly the best combination.

But I never dreamed I'd be discussing about these things—with my mother.

"Just let yourself go, Len," she said softly. "No matter how much you try to steer yourself away from all of this, it would get to you sooner or later because you are, after all, human."

I didn't dare turn to meet her gaze.

.

.

"Len..."

"Please," I replied flatly. Speaking only tends to complicate things and then it would lead to even more confusion. It's such a pessimistic perspective but it's true.

The car lurched to a stop and as the driver opened the door to my side, I got out without a word.

With the large suitcase and the violin case on either hand, I turned around to face my mother.

"Are you sure you don't mind me to join you inside, Len? I could stay with you as you wait for your flight."

"I'll be fine. Please don't trouble yourself over me."

"Oh, Len…"

I leaned down and made to kiss her cheek.

"I guess there isn't anything I can say about this," she said heavily. "You seem to have made up your mind. Have a safe trip, then. Your father would be with you in two weeks. Call me as soon as you get to Vienna."

"Yes."

And that's it.

No melodramatics, no tearful goodbyes, no hushed promises and assurances.

I'm facing tomorrow head on.

_Hino._

And the thought of her continue to make my head ache and ask why we have to be so complicated.

It's like quicksand—the more I struggle, the more I sink.

_Everything's just a phase. This, too, shall pass._

Yes, tomorrow will be better but how about today?

.

.

And this is what happens when I let my guard down…

.

.

Out of breath and out of mind, I find myself outside her door.

_No._

I took a step back.

'_Just let yourself go, Len.'_

I know.

I live in a world where everyone has a role with their great elaborate scripts. But this time, I'm throwing my manuscripts and demanding a break from the director, whoever he may be.

I lifted my hand to the door and knocked.

.

.

"Hold on! Just a minute—"

.

.

And I find myself face to face with the one who means the world to me.

Sounds pathetic, but it's true.

"T-T-Tsukimori-kun?!?!"

"Hino."

"Tsukimori-kun…"

"Will you wait for me?"

.

.

And that's it.

No questions asked, no explanations provided.

.

.

"I will."

.

.

And then we melted into a heartfelt embrace.

---

**patterned from chapter six. i know it's not my usual writing style--it's UNEVEN. boing! haha, i'm lovin' that word. ugh, i write the lamest chapters. XD er, it's called 'untitled' because i can't think up of a decent title! nahaha! i'm running out of creative juices (not that i'm creative enough in the first place). i'm done with the second chapter of 'failed attempts' so keep posted for updates! ja ne! ^-^**


	8. Four Years

**now, now, i recommend you ALL listen to this violin/keyboard piece. gah, this is priceless, i'm telling you!;p**

**a song from secret garden: **http:// www. you tube. com /watch?v=ZDUjt6iH52E

---

I sat. I stood. I sat. Desperately, frantically waiting for the sound of gravel, of an engine, or of the slow braking of tires. I felt useless and hopeless and frustrated.

Waiting seemed to drive me into an obsessive-compulsive state of checking every now and then.

And the blur of humanity passing by meant nothing to me.

Somewhere in between the pacing and the waiting and the waves of sighs, I felt powerless. Like some rag doll tossed carelessly about. I felt myself being stripped of control, of a sense of certainty and confidence. I was slipping. I was in every sense of the phrase, losing my grip.

Upon seeing my father's car drive up outside the airport lobby, my feet felt like jell-o. I felt glued to where I stood. The subsequent events all seemed to be echoes of heartbeats, of longing and worry and relief. Relief, mostly.

And then she stepped out of the car.

Four years.

_Four years._

And all this time I thought I had it under control. All in a neat, tight, perfect bundle; my life without the rough edges and loose strings. The life I've so worked hard to construct, to polish, to perfect. And maybe just because I've convinced the voice inside my head that I've mastered myself, I've naively formed the impression that I could actually control myself.

She reached my side, and I turned around to face her.

Four years.

And that's when everything trembled in the soft wind and in deafening silence.

Not eerie but graceful

She made me feel more human—she made me feel more fazed and disconcerted and shaken to the core but nonetheless more alive in the most unexpected way possible.

She made me realize how limited my reach is. Without her, I can only do so much.

"Len…"

And I found myself smiling as she said my name. Just my name in one breath.

Such poetry and music and profundity given to such a simple word called happiness.

When was the last time I held her in my arms?

Has it really been four years?

The clouds draped lazily over the sea of blue dotted by glimmering diamonds, glistening so temptingly, awaiting as if to be picked from the sky.

And if I had a star for every time she made me smile, the entire night sky would be at the palm of my hands.

---

**boing! ;p**


	9. Untitled 2

**okay, so scrap the previous chapters. thanks to ate m for her journal entry. largely inspired me with this.**

---

I placed the violin down the vast, unlit stage and I sank down on my knees.

I've come to point where I've lost almost everything that mattered.

I've put myself so high in the pedestal that the fall could have almost been fatal.

Almost.

Because every time, somehow, there is something that manages to cushion the crash.

Friends. The ones I've made through _her_. Who have been fiercely loyal.

Family. Who have been so unconditionally loving.

I guess this time, it's her again who, in her spontaneously timely manner, manages to remind me of what I still have and that my whole life remains right in front of me. Waiting to happen.

And the question "How are you?" seems to take an honestly genuine tone. Like she knew she needed to ask because something just wasn't right.

Some call it chance. Some call it destiny. Or coincidence. Perhaps it's more dramatically called serendipity.

It's not the first time that she seemed to have read my mind.

And twice has the opportunity arrived for me to make things work out.

But I still choose what I have now, what I had then. A muddled mess of possibilities and missed opportunities. Once again in the crossroads. Anxiety and optimism vying for a place in my mind and my emotions.

Insisting to myself that the time isn't now.

That I would not forgive myself if I went through life without going for what I wanted for myself.

It's selfish, really. And I do not justify.

Everything has it serendipity.

My mother liked to call it faith. And somehow I have this inexplicable feeling that everything will just unravel itself. And turn out just fine.

Because it'll happen.

I can't stop it.

And when that moment arrives, I would just know it was worth it.

Maybe working it out for her just isn't for either of us right now. But who's to say it wouldn't work out in the future?

Serendipity isn't just for the Now.

It was serendipitous for her to send me a message. Because I've forgotten how it felt to feel.

It was serendipitous that I've failed, perhaps. Because I've forgotten how to fight.

It was serendipitous that I've lost so much. Because I've forgotten how much I have.

It was serendipitous that I've hoped endlessly. Because I've forgotten about faith.

And I am humbled.

Because I would still be going through life seemingly unscathed feeling unstoppable.

And so I gathered the courage to stand up, raise myself into a dignified pose because right now I am going to play, not for the world, but for myself.

---

**and just now i want to laugh. laugh laugh. *choke***


	10. Still

To Keiko Tsukino, who requested for a Shimi/Fuyu fic. ^-^

http: // www. youtube. com /watch?v=mpk_tEk9qVs

---

"Keiichi?"

I paused, looked around, and then I found her squinting in the semi-darkness, the heavy fall of the curtains shielding me from her sight.

"What are you doing here?"

The lights dimmed, and she reached out to touch my arm. I smiled faintly as I noticed the clarinet she held tightly in her hands.

"A-anou...I--I'm nervous..."

I gestured to the stage below us, and she nodded in understanding. Kaho-senpai and Tsukimori-senpai sharing the stage, weaving beautiful, multi-colored music from black and white notes, seemingly lost in their own world.

The notes hung in the air, and then everything became still.

Applause.

And then came the inevitable pause.

I have only lately realized that we spend so much time moving around that we get restless at the slight feel of inertia. We become paranoid. Worrisome. Even disoriented.

True, the best things in life happen in its stillness…

_That look that just says it all._

_That smile that just melts your heart._

_That song that just makes your day._

_That touch that lingers._

_That moment when you kiss._

_That pause when you say those three words._

_That sigh when you want to let it all out._

…It silences the confusion, the whispers, the unquieted beating of the heart…

Then you begin to appreciate that one moment in stillness.

_To capture it._

_To feel it._

_To keep it._

"YO! Shimizu, Fuyuumi, you there?! Back to the stage, please, your duet's coming up!!"

"C-c-coming, T-Tsuchiura-senpai..."

_In stillness, we find what we look for._

"Shoko?"

"H-hmm?"

"I love you."

Another pause.

How I wish the moment would freeze as it is.

Then without a qualm, without hesitation, without a second thought, she took my hand and held it tight, carefully wounding her fingers with mine.

"I love you too."

The world will little note, nor long remember.

But we spent that one moment in stillness.

And, hand in hand, we went back to share the stage.

---


	11. Shinsho

Kahoko,

I spent the whole day on the stage; everything for my first concert abroad. And later that afternoon, with the musicians already headed home, I decided to play the Ave Maria. Funny how it made me want to pick up a sheet of paper and a pen...

At this time in both of our lives, we are surrounded by possibilities of choice, open doors and wide horizons, which I know, may come between us. But I also know and hope that they could eventually bring us together, with both of us being better people for the time we spent apart. And so for now I function between maybe and maybe not. It's a strange mixture of love and sorrow and hope and longing and faith. And even though you are far away, you're all that I can see, I carry you with me through all my days and I miss you more than I can say. Also, Kahoko, remember this--I love you no less than if you were right here now.

I know I have a tendency to be impetuous at times--thus the reason for this letter. I think I will mail it now, before I consider what you might think of it. Valuing a relationship is not merely done by seeing each other everyday, anyway. What counts is how much in our busy lives we remember each other.

Len

---

**thanks to Miyuko Senshi for sending me her drafts--she asked me whether i could turn it into a len/kaho story, nyaha, but sadly, i can't. T_T so i decided to spin a short one-shot from her drafts, and so here it is. i hope you liked it, miss. you surprised me out of my wits after i received the attachments, and kind of happy, too, because you trusted me with them. at any rate, kiotsukete! ^-^**


End file.
